Partnership is when two people are on the same ship, rowing in the same direction, for mutual benefit.

When getting what we want is threatened it’s easy to start rowing hard in our own direction, rowing against each other. A power struggle often develops. I’d say it is always there beneath the surface unless and until…. What is the resolution?

First, identify power struggles. Lots of arguments. Who did what to whom, or did not do what was expected, Keeping score of the same. Unless one or both parties struggles in silence, then there is resentment, manipulations, passive aggression, withholding and sabotaging. Love is withheld and eventually believed to be gone.

And it’s ultimately still all happening when needs aren’t met (see blog) and agreements aren’t kept (see blog), these power struggles break out in desperate and less effective attempts to get what we need. When we go into reactive survival mode, the all-for-one spirit of partnership is lost and becomes us-versus-them. The I, Me, Mine mandate of the ego wins out. This is why relationships are great spiritual teachers, an opportunity to test both personal empowerment and its compliment, surrender.

What are the underlying personal development lessons?  I’ll discuss the two I see most often.

Not understanding and therefore trusting one’s own power, the ability – and responsibility – we all have to take care of ourselves, to do what we can to handle any situation as well as possible. We are all born self-contained units with our own version of capability to succeed. Not knowing or using this will leave us lacking or hurting; then we struggle. Just as abundant energy can have you climb a hill with ease, with power realized and utilized one doesn’t struggle. (Come back to Trust.)

The other side of this coin is your relationship to the power of your partner. It need not matter who has more – which is the constant fight in a power struggle. The underlying doubt and fear is, “Will they use their power for me or against me?” I am in partnership to benefit from their strength, I come to depend on that, I need to know I am safe and loved. But we have different ways and different wants sometimes. Other times they are distant, preoccupied, busy, stressed and seem to be looking out only for their interests. I lose trust in them and figure I better do them same now that I am on my own.

What’s the thought/ principal/ consciousness by which I  can feel safe and relax, get back from competition to cooperation? This is for you to answer, but will offer a suggestion, a place to look. And that is Trust

My suggestion does not resolve these issues for you. You must find your way to that trust of self, trust in another person, and in the way people and the Universe work. But it is a great quest, one I believe we are all on and working out in our closest relationships.

Agreements are the glue that helps us stick together.  The contracts of what we expect to get and to give in order to get along. Our agreements are the contracts we write to try to ensure that we get what we need. (See last week’s article on needs here.) The problem is they are seldom written but rather assumed and unspoken. That makes it an expectation. We expect a lot from our relationships and when we don’t get what we expect, what we get upset!

In fact, every conflict in a relationship comes from a lack of an agreement or the breaking of an agreement. This does not refute my assertion that beneath every conflict is an unmet need but rather reinforces it.

The very roles that people play in your life are defined by expectations. Whether you realize it or not you may expect that a mother is loving, that a husband is faithful, that a daughter is honest, that a professional has integrity. And when it comes to your closest relationships there are countless assumptions about what they will do and not do. Make an honest inventory. Don’t you expect your partner to come home every night or tell you where they are, clean up their own mess, have sex, be faithful, speak nicely to you? And again, wherever there’s an upset, you’ll find an expectation unmet.

That’s my unified-field theory: Wherever there is a conflict there is either a broken agreement or none at all. Here’s a story.

He and she had a big fight. It wasn’t clear what started it. They were just exchanging the usual hostile words and feelings that their arguments had devolved into. As I worked with them to deconstruct the conflict we found the source. He had made an online investment in cryptocurrency and gave it to her as a gift. She became very upset and he did not understand why but felt attacked and demeaned. It escalated into their usual fight pattern which I will not detail here.

Here’s a list of agreements that needed to replace unspoken assumptions in order to keep the peace.

-How much money can we both spend without asking the other? ($50, $500, $5000, $50,000?)

-Are there things that always need to be discussed? (Risky investments?)

-Does everything we do need to be disclosed?

Then there are deeper underlying issues that are seeking reassurance:

– How much do we trust each other?

– Do you believe in me?

– Will you abandon me?

These are matters of the heart and soul that are both difficult to ask for and harder to answer and be certain. Ultimately this is the level of existential questions that souls come together to answer. It’s a rich relationship that can plumb these depths; the spirituality of relationship. You can go there by asking the hard questions and challenging each other to live to high standards of word and deed. Make relationships noble again!

Meanwhile, practice making it clear what you expect and what you both actually agree to; who’s responsible for what in the finances, who is supposed to initiate romance, who takes out the trash? Have some fun working it out!

What’s behind all those triggers we pull on each other? Test this out:

Under every fight, every fear, frustration, and sadness you have with anyone there is something you want and need that you are not getting! And the path to peace and harmony is the ability to identify and satisfy your needs in a mutually acceptable way.

Human life requires a million resources and conditions to survive and be happy, from oxygen to love, from shelter to purpose. Accept that you are very “needy”. But when you understand the needs that are driving you, take responsibility for them and then fulfill them as best you can – then you don’t seem needy at all. You are just taking good care of yourself.

We form relationships very much with the hope of filling many of our needs – for connection, intimacy, support, sex, fun, safety. Otherwise, why bother, right? The give-and-take of our needs with a willing partner makes life easier. When it flows there is harmony.

The trouble starts when we don’t get what we want. To see this, take any argument or lawsuit and then imagine you are a baby in a tantrum, mad and crying. Imagine a parent trying to help you. She/he determines what you want and what will satisfy, soothe and bring a smile back to your face. You have to know what you need and how to get it! Otherwise, you flail about mad or sad.

The all-too-common problems are that you either don’t know what you want, don’t know how to get it, or can’t accept what you are receiving. And in any relationship, you develop EXPECTATIONS. You just assume that if they love and care they will magically know what you want and give it to you. Your needs are yours; they always remain your responsibility. A good and healthy partner can help you with many, but never all, of your needs.

The simple – not always easy – formula for your satisfaction in life and in a relationship is:

– Get to clearly know your own needs.

– Take full responsibility for taking care of them, and of yourself.

– Discover how to fulfill them.

PS: It will never come from any one person or always when and how or exactly you want. Accept substitutes, be flexible, be grateful. You can get just about anything you want, but you will never have everything you want.

Be generous giving others what they need, too. You might even start with that. This makes your partner much more willing to give to you.

Greetings People of Personal Growth!

Last week’s blog describes how our history can get in the way of our present-day efforts to find love. If you didn’t see it you might want to catch it here before or after reading this real-life example. Today I am sharing the story of a client who has been working with me and gave me permission to share anonymously. Let’s call the couple Amy and Rob.

Amy and Rob are a well-suited couple, attractive, successful and wanting partnership. They’re making a go of living together but seem to be constantly on the verge of ending it. Let’s look behind the psychological curtain to see why.

She was ignored by her father, he didn’t give her attention nor caring. From that, she came to believe she was unlovable. To cope with that awful belief, she began taking care of others to try to earn their love. She also found it easier to remain mostly out of any close relationship. Not having a loving relationship, in turn, confirms her belief, “I an unloveable.” To her, handling loneliness actually feels easier and better (being free and unencumbered by a relationship) than having to deal with the pains that come from trying to harmonize two lives.

He, by way of an unhappy relationship with his mother and a painful breakup as an adult, has a deep fear of abandonment, expects to be, and is quick to believe that another breakup is happening.

So the mutually assured triggering begins. Either may start the emotional cascade of feelings. She may work late or have a weekend business commitment. He is triggered to feel that she is leaving him. So he texts, “Where are you?” She feels he doesn’t really love her but is limiting her freedom, trapping her into a situation where she won’t be loved or will only be hurt in the end.

She feels controlled by his attempts to not be abandoned and wants to end the very thing she has been looking for. Meanwhile, he feels abandoned and tries to hold on tighter by further controlling behaviors. It escalates. This interlock will typically remain in a painful holding pattern or will reach a point where someone quits. Or……

Through an understanding of the triggers and the underlying needs, they can begin to stay off the triggers. It’s best if they both engage in this effort but either can initiate the healing cycle. For example, Amy could share all that she knows about the situation with Rob, what she is going to do, and ask for what she needs.

Specifically, she can reassure him that she cares and arrange a future get-together. A clear commitment to the relationship would help him, whatever that is. If she isn’t sure she’s in it forever, which is what he wants, she can offer whatever is certain: monogamy, or wanting to make it work, or giving it 6 months – something he can hold on to. Meanwhile, she can work on receiving the love he is giving and learning to feel loved and deserving of love while taking care of her need for independence.

Rob can similarly initiate healing from his side with patience, reassurance and extra care to show her that she is loved. Many examples of learning to love someone how they want to be loved can be found in the book: The 5 Love Languages. He must also do the personal work required to give her space and not grab desperately for her time and attention. When she wants to run, if he can provide patience and stability instead of giving up, then his kindness will help both of them stay calm rather than excite more reactions.

Ideally, if both can commit and stick through the ups and downs, the subconscious fears do find a basis for trust over time. Ultimately that trust must come from an inner relationship to oneself and the Universe, but a good partnership can help us get there!

Relationship Busters – Relationship Builders

I want to share with you some key issues that I have discovered to be at the heart of many relationship difficulties. These are disrupters to the love and happiness we all seek in companionship. I have seen couples so hurt and mad at each other, seeing their partner as a mean monster and understandably, trying to hurt them in return or get out and away.

All this can so often be the result of constructs – beliefs, behaviors and habits that produce confusion, misunderstanding and harm. Once created, they become normalized and invisible to those in the dance. Like a toothache, the pain reveals the problem. AND THE PROBLEM IS NOT YOUR PARTNER! Nor are you bad and wrong. It’s the behavior.

When you can see that there is a problem, and are willing to honestly find the source and then practice new behaviors, you will create connection, synchrony, and harmony in your relationships. In a series of upcoming newsletters, I will talk about these relationship busters and their remedies, relationship builders.

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Keep Your Finger Off the Trigger!

We are all walking wounded. I’m not calling you a zombie, exactly, but in our search for safety and love we have all been…. shall I say, surprised? Hurt, shocked, wounded. From these past experiences, we carry into the present automatic responses to anything that might put us in a position to be hurt again. These unconscious protective patterns disrupt an otherwise workable relationship.

A wound creates a hypersensitivity to any situation that might hurt you again. Your subconscious sets up a “trip lever,” an easily activated defensive response.  The subconscious is powerful but not very smart. It can’t tell the difference between ”then” and ”now,” between your father and your boyfriend. Nor does it realize you are no longer 3, 6, or 18 but an adult with greater strength, wisdom, and skills – and therefore more effective options to deal with the situation –  than you had when that earlier incident occurred. In fact, when this protective switch is ”triggered,” the consciousness and untrained reactions of that younger “you” come into play.

Imagine your 8-year-old self in a fight with your current spouse, or your 12-year-old self receiving criticism from your boss. When your mother says those same unloving things now that she said back when, you feel just as small and rejected though you are now loved and supported by others. You look all grown up, but when triggered, your scared child is arguing with your partner’s angry child. Not much gets worked out! Once either of you is upset you will react defensively and likely trigger the other person. Then your wounded self is attacking and defending itself from their wounded self. The person you love and respect has left the building. Sadly, this pretty much explains much of human history!

Solution? Stay off of each other’s triggers! Then the real you is present; your best and kindest present-day self can enjoy her real self.

How? First, you have to recognize triggers, yours and theirs. Be aware of their tender areas so you don’t hit them. Working together is best, but unilateral efforts can totally work as well.

First, watch the patterns of conflict that repeat themselves. As relationships mature, we find recurring issues that bring up anger and other emotions and result in arguments or distancing. Break down the steps in the cycle: there are times of relative peace, and then things go bad. What was said or done that got you or the other upset? You must specifically identify the things that trigger you.

Then, you must understand why that trigger is upsetting to you. What do those words or actions MEAN to you? What sensibility does it hurt? What does it take away; what do you need that you are not getting? The underlying reason will be something in the past that you needed, like love or safety, but did not get. All humans need these things and you still need them today. Underlying every triggered emotional reaction is a need that you are attempting–usually very unsuccessfully–to fulfill.

To see through the pattern, to the need, I recommend meditation. The Senses of the Soul Method combining Kundalini breath work and emotional mindfulness is a quick and accurate way to get to these personal truths. A therapist or similar assistance can also help you with this. It may become obvious where in your past this wound originated.

Underlying every trigger is a wound and within that is a deep, universal human need, like safety, security, support, respect, and love. This need is the wound’s remedy! Either one of you has the power to stop the cycle of exchanging pain. Ask them and experiment to find the many ways to give that need. Be patient and you’ll see them soften and eventually want to do the same for you.

From the soul’s view, this is why we come together; to heal each other. It’s normal that we have conflict in order to drive the pain to the surface. Don’t stop there. Get to the giving and healing so you can live in peace and harmony. Takes work; WORTH IT!

Summary: Stay off the trigger. Give them what they need. (And get the same in return).