What’s behind all those triggers we pull on each other? Test this out:
Under every fight, every fear, frustration, and sadness you have with anyone there is something you want and need that you are not getting! And the path to peace and harmony is the ability to identify and satisfy your needs in a mutually acceptable way.
Human life requires a million resources and conditions to survive and be happy, from oxygen to love, from shelter to purpose. Accept that you are very “needy”. But when you understand the needs that are driving you, take responsibility for them and then fulfill them as best you can – then you don’t seem needy at all. You are just taking good care of yourself.
We form relationships very much with the hope of filling many of our needs – for connection, intimacy, support, sex, fun, safety. Otherwise, why bother, right? The give-and-take of our needs with a willing partner makes life easier. When it flows there is harmony.
The trouble starts when we don’t get what we want. To see this, take any argument or lawsuit and then imagine you are a baby in a tantrum, mad and crying. Imagine a parent trying to help you. She/he determines what you want and what will satisfy, soothe and bring a smile back to your face. You have to know what you need and how to get it! Otherwise, you flail about mad or sad.
The all-too-common problems are that you either don’t know what you want, don’t know how to get it, or can’t accept what you are receiving. And in any relationship, you develop EXPECTATIONS. You just assume that if they love and care they will magically know what you want and give it to you. Your needs are yours; they always remain your responsibility. A good and healthy partner can help you with many, but never all, of your needs.
The simple – not always easy – formula for your satisfaction in life and in a relationship is:
– Get to clearly know your own needs.
– Take full responsibility for taking care of them, and of yourself.
– Discover how to fulfill them.
PS: It will never come from any one person or always when and how or exactly you want. Accept substitutes, be flexible, be grateful. You can get just about anything you want, but you will never have everything you want.
Be generous giving others what they need, too. You might even start with that. This makes your partner much more willing to give to you.